A letter that never arrived

What are you doing right now, I wonder? Sometimes, I close my eyes and I imagine you enjoying your cup of tea before bed. I imagine how you walk slowly toward your room, one leg after the other. I imagine how you are dressed and your gaze, playing around the walls. We only met for a few days and we didn’t even speak too much, however, I wonder what it means this ..., tattooed on your neck? When did you decide to draw this on your fingers? How would you dress if you go out with your friends? Do you have friends and what are they like? Have you ever been in love? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Let me believe that there was this special heartbeat that passed from my chest to yours and made our feet dance in the same rhythm. Let me believe that in the morning when you go for a walk in the garden, you look at the flowers and imagine how you are giving all of them to me. 

Here, in the imagination, we could be everything and life could be light. In that space of misunderstanding, when I need my phone to translate your words and I can pretend I didn’t quite get your meaning. Hug me! In that silence, between my body and yours, when I sense your chick with my chick and the smell of tobacco from your clothes, hold me! 

Let me walk back home with my knees trembling, wondering what would it feel like to kiss you. Would we have the same connection? Or I will be afraid and run, as before. Or you will stop waking up with me in your thoughts? Or maybe we will walk apart, sensing the distance between our backs. 

Hold me! Let me find in your embrace the warmth I am searching for in my life. From one station to another, wondering and doubting if love really exists. Let me feel it! Let me feel that love, entering my body as a golden light, just to humble me. Hold me. 

Hold me and let me imagine all the questions that can be there, between our letters arriving from my hands to yours. Let me imagine the excitement of receiving your words at the end of the day and translating, trying to understand what you actually meant. Let me dream that after today, you will still think of me. That it is possible. Let me believe! 

We are so far away from each other. It is a blessing because we almost do not exist. You are half a memory, half an illusion. And I am your fantasy. So we could be anything if we just stay calm in the silence. If we stay in the silence, we could stay forever. Who will dare to speak first? 

Tonight I am dreaming of you with my eyes open. I wonder if you went to sleep already and if you thought of me today. I wonder what I look like in your imagination? And what did you have for dinner? I wonder what the air smells like now in your room? Where do you like to be kissed and if you read poetry? I wonder which is your favorite movie and if you are curious about mine. And if you hug me right now, where would you place your hands? Would you squeeze me in your chest or are you going to run your fingers on my skin? Would you sense my perfume and would you like it? 

Do you think that I am crazy? 

Or am I still naive, waiting to find something in lost places? Trying to find meaning in somebody’s else life? Being too much, as they said? Can I be 100% me and you still find me worthy of your attention? Do I dare to let myself be as I am? Just here, on the paper, with my words… because in reality I would run away, escape and hide. 

Tell me… what is your favorite place in ...? I want to go and try to sense your smell in the air. I will sit and try to see what you were seeing, and to understand what do you find beautiful in life? Not because I want something back, but out of curiosity about what this world looks like through your eyes. Without a reason. 

Do you like sunsets? And the sea? And what is the color of your eyes? 

You are beautiful to me. 

Like the dance, when the bodies are giving each other their weight, I want to surrender and also be held, in that existential wondering. What if we change the borders of normality, allowing each other to be more, to feel more, to exist more to each other? What if we redefine connection, letting the waves wash our bloody shores until we are pure again? What if we reach out an extra mile further into our souls, searching for our reflections? Or just enjoy a cup of tea, in the silence of the blue hour. Can we stay with each other for a while? Just like that, simply, to disperse our loneliness. To feel. To be. Can we? 

I promise that I won’t leave you alone because of my fears of not being good enough. I won’t hide out of my insecurities and leave you in doubt. I promise that I will speak up, when fear knocks on my door, or jealousy, instead of leaving you alone in the darkness. I promise to show up, even if I want to be small and to let you look after me. I promise to hold you when you need to be held, without standing on the way of your destiny. I promise to leave you, when love is no longer connecting our paths, and still carry love in my heart.