A very old love letter

The thought of meeting you again made my whole world dance around its center until all the layers were shaken off.

I was doubting. Doubting me, doubting you, my feelings. Myself. You make me feel both big & small. I want to make myself big enough so that you can see me and small enough so you can't judge me.

With your voice, gravity disappears. I am losing control. I love. I love. As if our souls had met before and now I cannot put my hands on you. I am afraid of you, because my own judgments come with your voice. My thoughts as well.

I was lost in layers of meanings and you called me, and I followed.

I've never been closer to myself than now. Here. I have no fear. I love. I love and love is my whole essence. It is not for you, just called with your voice.

I will write you a letter and you will open the envelope, unfolding the pages with your fingers that create shivers in me.

Sometimes I am afraid that you don't exist and I made you in my mind to speak with myself. When I think about that, I assume, maybe it is not you. Maybe it is the face of me that I could mirror on you. Because I don't know you.

After you, I feel soft. I feel tender. As if my woman-ness has a place to bloom. But not because of you, but just because you speak to the deepest voices of my head. I dare to get, let, meet myself crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

If craziness would be the ultimate living & the life force itself.

Crazy.

I've never felt closer to myself than I do feel now. At the airport.

I've never felt so much me, me, myself, as now.

I'm in peace and I do not fear. I want to give birth to a daughter and call her Marlena. Today is the first day I'm actually alive.

Don't fear to be me.

2021