Conversation with my SOUL
She loves life, my soul! As a wild child, she gets excited from life and starts radiating joy, excitement, colours, and sounds that sometimes are like random screams to the universe. My soul loves colours, and spices, and smells. Loves to connect with other souls and to play, play, play… Discovering boundaries and new worlds.
My SOUL loves to contemplate life, to admire, to capture. It gets equally excited from a warm cookie and a touching book, from dancing bachata and meeting a new person. My SOUL doesn’t care where we are, as long as she can reach the trees, the grass, and the blue sky. As long as she can dance and express herself.
My SOUL now lives in a body that has been living for too long in a tight space. Restricted often to someone else's ideas of what should, how should, and when shouldn’t. My body has been trying to fit in a very narrow frame and has been shamed every time it goes out of the contours. My BODY was not allowed a lot of freedom. It was stuck between what others expected from it and the big, clumsy, and childish movements of MY SOUL.
There is also me. Me. A narrative that is so uneven, trying to captivate different stories, different words and voices, in different languages. Me, that was never certain, but standing. There is ME, as if the separation between my SOUL and my BODY was not enough, so that we came up with an extra layer of consciousness. Me that maybe never existed, because I never could get a hold of it.
My BODY craves movement and freedom. It wants to shake out all of what it had been learning. All the restrictions. My boobs want to move freely without a bra. My hips want to sway with no shame of their shape and form. My hands want to touch and explore textures and humans. My feet want to walk, and walk, and walk new lands and places. And my vagina wants to melt in pleasure, to pulsate, to grow, to feel. My lungs want to breathe the air of the pines, while my ears want to listen to the birds. However, while wanting that, my body is shrinking even more. Shrinking under the eyes of other people, trying to please and be liked. It would disappear if it could. After all, if it doesn’t exist, it won’t make a harm, it won’t disturb, it won’t be an obstacle for anyones happiness.
My SOUL that craves adventure and exploration, movement and freedom, love and connection, is actually zoned out. It looks away, searching for a window to lose itself. It goes for distraction. Let another day pass. It is searching for fast pleasure and the best opium. To not feel. To be numb. To not feel the pain of the restriction. To not feel. To not be. Suddenly, everything is a distraction, rather than an experience.
MYSELF, I am the Queen of that theatre. I orchestrate those two, BODY & SOUL, under my strict and controlling gaze. Only in this way can I eliminate everything that scares me. Only in this way can I feel safe enough.
But that is not meant to be a victim story. While I am writing, the words are giving me the chance to see and feel again. What is needed so that I can feel free? What is needed so that my body can feel movement and joy again? To dare, to take? To take space? To exist boldly? What is needed so that my SOUL could wake up from its lethargy, to take its space, her POWER, her VOICE? What is needed so that I can follow HER, and not the opposite?
What is needed so that I can be ALIVE again? And instead of fearing death, the sickness, the end, I can enjoy every day, every minute, and every hour? Connected to my spirit, my soul, my body, the UNIVERSE, and all that exists?
