When the War is over?

Break-up insights after a session with a client

When we fall in love, we sense a particular pride. We notice the special details about person X and slowly we create a spell. From “Person X does that”, we start saying “My partner does that”. And we feel proud. Or joyful. Or curios. Or horny. A whole mixture of hormones is coming to our brain as a wave, to connect, to be the glue between X and “my partner”.  It activates a huge archive of ideas, images, and dreams of what my partner is. From how I want to be loved to “thank God, I will not die alone”. 

Now suddenly life is easier. I have someone to talk to before going to bed. Oxytocin makes me feel safer in that world of surprises. I feel more sexual energy, so also more aliveness. There is somebody who will hold my hand on New Year’s Eve and share life with me. Who cares to know me, to listen to me… 

If we are lucky enough, we are right and love finds its own beautiful way of creation. Creating houses, kids, common projects, pleasure, healing and whatever is there available between us. 

However, sometimes we are not lucky enough. Actually, statistics say, most of the time. 70-80% of dating relationships end before marriage or long-term commitment. And we don’t even dare to look at the statistics about divorces. 

Suddenly she is too angry. He is not paying attention. She is not understanding. He didn’t buy flowers on time. She cheated. He didn’t care about her orgasms… “Not compatible”, we say.

The question that I ask, as a coach, is how to break the spell we created in the beginning. We say “My partner didn’t do this and that’ and we are angry at X. What is interesting to explore is that period of transition. When X is becoming X again. Not “My partner”. 

In that process, we need to detach the person from the role that they served in our lives. To walk backward. “He will not hold my hand on New Year's Eve” and “She is not going to celebrate my successes with me”. 

We mourn. We don’t lose a person, but we lose our hope that this person will stay and serve the role of a partner next to us. We lose our hope that we can share life with each other and in that way make it count. 

It hurts....

How do we BREAK THE SPELL of our relationships? What are the rituals that we do together to let each other go? What are the words that we say?

What if instead of letting go we ask each other: how to take each other in? 

“I will find a place for you in my heart and you will always belong to my life story.”

“I bless you to walk on YOUR OWN PATH.”

Can we break up with each other without a war? What if you don’t need to run away? What if you don’t need to fight? What if you don’t need to freeze? 

What if we can breathe together through the pain? What if we mourn our relationship together, holding hands and then letting them be apart? 

If you go through a breakup and you want to do it without a WAR, you can PM me and book a 1-1 or couple coaching.